I had the privilege of being a guest on Jenn Scalia’s 15 Minutes of Flame podcast. Jenn is a relationship coach and asked me to do a 15 minute interview to talk about how Tapping can help people improve their relationships with others.
We actually recorded the interview in video-format as I did a demonstration. Click here to watch it.
Or click here to download the audio podcast. I am in Episode 15.
Today’s post contains accompanying information that goes into further detail. So watch or listen in, and then read on!
Approximately 85% of our behavior is driven by our subconscious. Our subconscious holds our ideas and beliefs about life, which includes our perceptions of and behaviors within relationships.
Do any of these sound like you?
- You have experienced a series of disappointing and failed relationships.
- You don't trust others easily, and end up pushing all the guys/girls (even the “good” ones) away.
- You attract all the wrong guys/girls:
- the emotionally distant
- the unavailable
- the wallpaper personality
- the one who thinks he/she is God's gift to the universe.
My guess is that you can acknowledge what you are doing, you are hard on yourself and call yourself stupid, and you logically know that this whole circus is a problem. But you can't understand WHY you keep behaving this way. (The only exception is if you experienced childhood sexual trauma, which is a whole other animal.)
Maybe you experienced a really bad breakup so you think your troubles are all about that. Or you watched your parents go through a divorce. Could it be that your first sexual encounter ended up as a one-night-stand, and you decided your trust issues were born around this embarrassing and depressing event?
Most of how we perceive life, love, and ourself is actually programmed in by the age of 10. By watching and learning from those around us, we developed our notion of what relationships “should” look like. We took these messages, whether helpful or unhelpful, and created a filter that now drives our decision-making.
Here's the problem.
(We might get a little “scientific” here, so bear with me.)
The goal of your subconscious is to keep you safe and comfortable. It really is wanting to be helpful by triggering your amygdala, the "fight or flight" center in your brain, to keep you out of harms way. However, it doesn't really know the difference between real danger, such as being chased and possibly mauled by a rabid lion, and the uncomfortable kind of behavior such as choosing to trust with the real-life risk of getting burned. It just wants to protect at all costs.
It is for this very reason, the whole subconscious self-sabotage thing, that I started learning alternative techniques in my coaching and counseling practice to stop the cycle in a much quicker fashion than years of “talk therapy”.
It started with getting trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) for those who have experienced trauma and are suffering from the side effects. Mimicking the REM sleep cycle can actually calm the amygdala enough to process, resort, and desensitize you from the trauma. But this is not a do-it-yourself type of treatment.
I then stumbled upon Tapping (aka Emotional Freedom Technique), and was thrilled to now have a tool to use with my coaching clients. Tapping also calms the amygdala by stimulating acupressure points on the body. It is in no way a “new” phenomenon. The Chinese have been doing this for over 10,000 years in the form of acupuncture, and by pressing on certain spots on the body to diagnose illness.
Here’s the beauty of it all… once your amygdala is calm, you are then free to process, re-sort, and reprogram.
The best part about tapping is once you learn the process, you can do it yourself. Tapping is a true self-help tool that helps you get down to the nitty gritty, the REAL issue, targeting the old beliefs and emotions that are no longer serving you. It releases both physical and emotional energy blocks, so you are free to then start tackling the old and outdated messages you keep telling yourself.
So how do you tap?
First, you can watch me do a simple demo here, as well as get a diagram of the tapping points. Plus, there are plenty of more advanced demonstrations on You Tube.
- Create your set-up statement. For example, “Even though I seem to choose all the wrong guys for me, I accept and honor myself.”
- Identify where you feel this in your body (gut, heart, shoulders, etc.) and make note.
- Tap 3 rounds of your set-up statement on the karate chop point.
- Then start a round beginning from the corner of the eyebrow. You want to speak out loud what you are thinking. For example:
- “I choose all the wrong guys.”
- “Why do I do this?”
- “I feel like I am broken.”
- “I feel so stupid sometimes.”
- Repeat this process until you feel the body sensation you identified in #2 dissipates.
- You can then do a positive round of the beliefs you want to have about yourself, or what you want to be open to. For example:
- “I am open to being more trusting.”
- “I am open to changing my ideas about what a relationship should be like.”
- “I am worthy of a healthy relationship.”
- “I am confident and can select the right guy for me.”
While this is a great place to start, it is helpful to work with an experienced practitioner to get the ball rolling. You would become more comfortable with the process, learn the language, and the little details that can move you forward when stuck. Plus, the reality is that tapping works best when you pair it with childhood messages, as that is usually where the problem started to begin with. It may take some help in really defining where that place is for you.